nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
That took me a moment.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?