NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them