NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
the icebreaker
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.