NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist


Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.


Ke$ha in different currencies:
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd


“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.


mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son


If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.