Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
President The Rock Obama