@onion_an Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
@TheHatStore NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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@onion_an 
@mydmac Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
@MaverickGames Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
@DanMentos “Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
@SnellWarren I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
@carltonhimself “You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
@robin_991 [during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
@fro_vo mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
@CVTBaby If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
@human_not_bees President The Rock Obama
