@FuttyNudgekins When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
@TheHatStore NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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@FuttyNudgekins 
@DartsBofficial 1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
@SteveSuckington Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
@Shariv67 If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
@mattZillaaaa This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
@freypalm “I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
@AsgardianRose Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
@LackOfShame Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
@jus4golf No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
@Chhapiness How to shape your eyebrows
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