NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?


Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss


If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.


This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life


“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed


Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?


Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow


No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.