@TheHatStore

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

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@FuttyNudgekins

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@Shariv67

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

@mattZillaaaa

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

@freypalm

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

@AsgardianRose

Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.

Alien: Take us to your leader.

America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?

@LackOfShame

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

@jus4golf

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.