NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
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Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
house sitting!
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.