Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Just a bush.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins