Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*


“That’s what she said”

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Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.


[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before


Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.


[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her


Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.


I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together


My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that


Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.


Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.