@primawesome Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
@TheRolo Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
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@primawesome 
@dlicj [sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
@SavoirFail Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
@squirrel74wkgn [at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
@rtothegow Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
@DreamsSarcastic I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
@LoveNLunchmeat Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
@WorkingMom86 My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
@SteelCityDawn Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
@SheMightHave Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.