@TheRolo

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

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@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@dlicj

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

@SavoirFail

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

@rtothegow

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@DreamsSarcastic

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

@WorkingMom86

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

@SteelCityDawn

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

@SheMightHave

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.