Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
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My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.