Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
You Might Also Like
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My life in a nutshell
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting