NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You Might Also Like
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
WHY would you be happy about this?
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue