Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter