[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.