NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?