@AndrewChamings 2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
@JohnKapetaneas NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
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@AndrewChamings 
@hurlarious Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
@AbbyHasIssues I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
@jonnysun i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
@hansabumsadaisy What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
@WilliamAder Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
@InternetHippo BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
@SavageDabs69 Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
@StinkyGr33n 🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
@Carbosly I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.