NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
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[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
OMG 🤣🤣
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”