Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
You Might Also Like
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.