“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
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Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car