o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
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Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
How I like cutting carbs
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill