O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Holy crap this is wonderful
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
You’ll be OK
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I need this for my side hustle.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.