o shit
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
(by @ZachWeiner )
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!