Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
This is not me but this is me
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
(Musicians.)
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to