OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
man: wait
time: no
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.