Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Not all heroes wear capes….
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.