She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
You Might Also Like
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.