Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
*Gore kicks door down*
You Might Also Like
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?