@007Pepe_Rex Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
@noog Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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@007Pepe_Rex 
@daemonic3 [God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
@Alex_but_online Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
@SortaBad “We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
@krissywillbretz Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
@Where__wolf *covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
@Reverend_Scott [Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
@rickkondell I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
@Cherbearxo The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
@globetrottgirl Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?