@noog

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

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@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@DothTheDoth

I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.

@thenoahkinsey

I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@BCMontgo

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

@AGStr8upNinja

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

@ObscureGent

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@djdarrellripley

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

@AngieDavisHaha

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.