Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time