Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I wish this was real life…
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Ape together strong
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams