Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
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What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
This kid is going places
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
next level snooze
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.