Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.