Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The French cow says MEUX…
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.