[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
#titanic
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.