Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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My dad teaching me to drive
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called