Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
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Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Meme Monday.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus