Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
When you let grandma cat sit
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep