OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Carpe DM
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.