OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
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*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway