Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??