Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
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people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*