Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
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My first son he is wonderful
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?