@Marcmywords2

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

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@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

@RiotGrlErin

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

@TheRealHoarse

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

@cathisamazing

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

@TheCatWhisprer

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

@HatfieldAnne

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

@SardonicTart

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

@KimmyMonte

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

@StoneAgeRadio13

The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.