Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
You Might Also Like
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
a lot to unpack here
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Me irl
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray