Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.


netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.


As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.


Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.


I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.


“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.


Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.


A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit


The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.


I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.