Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
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*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.