occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Same pineapple, same
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.