Oceanography is all about current events
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where do you see yourself in five years?
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My what?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.