Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me: Go ahead.
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Her: Who was your first love?
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
every college guy’s fridge
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5