Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.