[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Good morning.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.