Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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😲 WTF? 😆
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist