@maxverygoodboy

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

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@JohnLyonTweets

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

@Reverend_Scott

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

@samalmightysam

-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!

@demented_Ash

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

@noog

Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

@sophielou

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

@rockymomax

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman