Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
GUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman