@maxverygoodboy

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

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@iAmJuddy

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

@Whatevah_Amy

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@KatieBurnett

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

@panmidwest

Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.

@NikiWithIssues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

@WheelTod

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”

@RichieKanceled

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school