October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.