October already? What’s next? November????
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
🤣
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…