October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
You Might Also Like
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When I laugh on my period
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind