October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
all that yoga finally paid off
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample