octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!