Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
You Might Also Like
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich