*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
My birth announcement for our third baby
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’